When I took a yoga class in college I thought that it would help me relax, maybe get a bit healthier? (but more so to just mark me off for taking some sort of physical activity.) The yoga instructor, walking around the gymnasium with her psoriasis distracting her and her confused look when she noticed I didn't take my socks off. We were always exchanging interesting glances. She would say "be present." I am present, I'm here, at class, with you. She'd give me another look, probably thinking why is this girl wearing her socks... While in my mind I'm thinking when is this over?...how do you get graded on yoga?...I wonder if she'll show us flippy leg handstands like on Instagram...is she gonna tell me to take my socks off?... And when I look back, she was probably not wondering about any of that. She was being present with herself and there I was judging, complaining, distracting myself from the purpose. Wanting to change someone who, if they wanted to change would change themselves. Seeing that what I was thinking about at that moment didn't matter in my life. Her looks didn't matter, her stares didn't matter. I needed to stop worrying about her and focus more on me. I needed to be present.
Which leads me into some self awareness...let me just be transparent (and/or throw you on the look at yourself bus.)
Sometimes I get so lost in storytelling. In what could happen in the future and I don't spend enough time focusing on what is happening. I fear the consequences of my decisions instead of focusing on the rewards of them. I am realizing more and more that caring so much about the future takes me away from the present. And that the future is non existent without the actions of today. Be it either with a person, a cause, a lifestyle. My focus should be on what's happening now. That thinking about what is best for me and my life, what makes me whole, what makes me who I am. It will allow people to love me and for me to love myself. Loving myself the way I am and being aware of things that can change and accepting it. Being conscious of the advice given to me from all directions about all things. Taking it all in with an open mind. Advice from others does not mean I lose pride, it does not mean I do not have confidence, but instead means that I am seeing from the eyes of another. To view things in perspective. Embracing change will allow me the ability to be able to adapt faster, understand easier. Change does not mean I am no longer myself, change makes rocks into gems. Every grain of sand, every heated day, all the time in the world will shape me into the perfect version of myself. But it's myself who I will always want to be. And what is great about this life is that I can choose what brings me up and what brings me down. Remembering to go back to the start of why things happen, reflect, realize the reasons. Realize that it has all built me into what I am and the decisions I make will carve me. All I have is time. I know that the probability of exhausting water, money, home are unlikely, but if they were depleted time is still there. Being here, existing, will never be lost even after life itself because by that point I will need nothing, want nothing because I will know that everything I've done was purposeful. All my choices had meaning. From being able feel, to my ability to smile. Thanks to my parents for bringing me into such a good life and for the people around me who enhance this experience. Someone once told me happiness is not a destination, someone who didn't even know me, someone who will never know how much that has changed me. You might be thinking wow, that was so cliché but in reality, it came from the most unlikely of places and that's why it has stuck with me. Perfection is not doing everything the right way, whatever the "right way" is, but instead doing it in a way that makes me happy. And I'm happy, so I'd say I have a pretty perfect life. Perfection isn't given to us, it's hard work to feel it and maintain it. There are obstacles that will challenge us and rough times that we will need to overcome, but why do we endure? Because the reward brings us happiness. And wasn't that the goal in the first place?